It can be difficult to recognize the everyday rays of sunshine in our lives when we're being pummeled by life's storms. But the sun is still shining, no matter how dark those clouds are.
A lot has happened in my life since my last post on January 30. My husband and I bought a house, which we got the keys to on my 37th birthday in February! We spent most of March moving and enjoying the exhilaration of—finally, after 15 years—having a place to truly call our own.
The circumstances surrounding our purchase were nothing short of miraculous. In the current Las Vegas market, homes are often bought up within days after a bidding war, where many sellers end up with offers that are thousands of dollars over their listing price.
For whatever reason, though, the home we fell in love with had been on the market for over five months with no other offers. No bidding war. It's like it was just sitting around, waiting for us, and we were able to make an offer and move right in and not have to change a thing—there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. It's a home truly meant for our family, and we feel tremendously blessed to have found it.
It was easy to recognize all the little miracles and blessings associated with our move. There was lots of proverbial sunshine smiling down on us through that experience.
But since our move in March, our family has been plagued with irritating sicknesses. We've all had at least two colds, flus, stomach viruses, sinus infections, ear infections, eye infections—you name it, we've had it in the last three months.
Just yesterday afternoon, I suddenly came down with flu symptoms; I was in denial about it at first (how can I be sick again!?), but the thermometer doesn't lie, and neither does my body with all its crazy chills and aches. And poor little Jackson caught it tonight too. So I guess the rest of my family will just get in line for this new round of illness—so much for a sick-free summer.
The worst of what I've personally been dealing with through all our sicknesses has been what's ailing my right ear. On April 21, after an onset of sinusitis two weeks prior that followed a cold earlier in the month, I woke up with my right ear feeling completely plugged: my hearing was muffled and distorted, and I felt lots of pressure and fullness. I contacted a doctor at UMC Quick Care online that morning and was prescribed some amoxicillin to hopefully help clear up the sinusitis and the ear infection.
After about 10 days, my sinusitis had cleared up, but the fullness and pressure in my ear felt worse. So I went to a UMC Quick Care and was prescribed a stronger antibiotic, Augmentin, plus more Sudafed and my regular Claritin, to help alleviate the "eustachian tube dysfunction."
Another week went by, and I hadn't been able to focus on much beyond what had been going on with my ear. I felt so disconnected from reality, as I just couldn't take my mind off of all the worst-case scenarios I could be facing:
Will I ever hear normally again?
Will the tinnitus I'm experiencing be temporary?
Is the dizziness I'm feeling from what's going on in my ear or from my anxiety about my ear?
Perhaps that virus I had in April triggered Ménière’s disease, which is something that other members in my family have been diagnosed with.
What if I'm experiencing sudden sensorineural hearing loss, something I'm aware of because of Taylor's unilateral deafness, and I've missed the short window of getting a steroid to help restore my hearing?
(Or goodness, maybe I'm just a hypochondriac when it comes to my ears!)
I went to the UMC ER on May 8 in hopes of getting some more answers and help. My primary care doctor is very difficult to get into, I should note, which has added to my frustration of being directed by my doctor's office to quick care and emergency centers. And with my current insurance, I can't get into a specialist, like an ENT, without a referral from my primary care doctor. Argh!
What I really felt I needed was a steroid since the two rounds of antibiotics hadn't helped, nor had the decongestants and antihistamines I had tried. The ER docs could see fluid in my middle ear (add "serous otitis media with effusion" to my diagnosis) and fortunately gave me a 10 mg dose of dexamethasone and sent me home.
My ear felt almost normal by the next day! That ER visit on Mother's Day was such an answer to prayers that I needed at that time. It was a huge relief to feel like my hearing was OK and that I might make a full recovery very soon.
But about three days after that ER visit, that sensation of fullness in my ear returned, which was very disheartening after feeling like it had finally healed. But I did notice that despite the fullness, my hearing was better—I no longer experienced autophony, distorted, or muffled hearing after that steroid, so that was still a little miracle that I could recognize then.
Eventually, I was able to see my primary care doctor on May 17, and she was able to get a referral going for an ENT and prescribed another steroid, methylprednisolone for five days, which also helped temporarily. But after over seven weeks, I'm still dealing with the fullness, tinnitus, and the constant popping/crackling I hear and feel in my right eustachian tube every time I swallow or yawn or chew.
How I've so badly wanted to be able to see or just talk to an ENT since this all started in April, but the one I've been referred to can't see me till January 30—yep, that's almost eight months from now. So I'm just hoping and pleading with the Lord that my eustachian tube and all that's going on in my middle ear will heal on its own in the meantime.
Perhaps I just haven't been patient enough with how long it takes for a eustachian tube to heal. I've really had to exercise a lot of faith through this trial to not let it totally depress and discourage me. I've been most frustrated by how much it's affected me mentally and distracted me from helping my mom, doing fun things with my husband and kids, and settling into my new home.
And my trial seems trivial compared to what so many others are going through. My poor sister is facing a serious health crisis that may lead to major surgery, so she has been on my mind and in my prayers these past few months. And my mom's health has taken a turn for the worse since April. So through all that I've been occupied with from my ear, I've also been so worried about her. The little gray cloud that's been hovering over our family since my mom's stage IV stomach cancer diagnosis in September 2019 has gotten quite a bit darker and stormier over the past two months.
After weeks of cumulatively not being able to eat, drink, or sleep much since her last chemo treatment on March 30, and with the onset of some terrible back pain that my mom never experienced before, my dad and I initiated in-home hospice care on May 17 when her palliative care and current medications just weren't responsive enough.
As scary as "hospice" sounds, for my mom, it has simply been a much higher level of care in which we can receive medications within two hours to help manage her pain, stimulate her appetite, and address any distress she's dealing with, all from the comfort of her home. Receiving this new care has been miraculous in helping her slowly revive some of her strength and keep her pain at bay.
Health-wise, our family has been through a lot in the past three months. It's been hard not to feel angry about being sick all the time. It's been frustrating not being able to get to know new people in our ward and neighborhood yet because we might be contagious. It's been disappointing to cancel trips and not be able to make fun summer plans because of our illnesses and my mom's uncertain circumstances.
It's been easy to forget the miracles.
But through all that my family is dealing with, the title of this post has been displayed across my mind over and over for months: "Don't forget the miracles."
Don't forget the visits from the nurses and hospice care staff who provided so much knowledge, hope, and loving guidance to help Mom feel better.
Don't forget the phone calls from those dear friends, those angels on earth, who were prompted to call you just when you needed to talk.
Don't forget the prompting you acted on to buy that one extra thing to make your life so much smoother the next week.
Don't forget the texts you received from those sweet people who just want to help make your day a little brighter by letting you know they're thinking of you.
Don't forget the visits from new friends and old friends whose conversations buoyed you up and gave you renewed strength to get through the next few days.
Don't forget how much Heavenly Father loves you and stands ready to bless you in His perfect way and in His perfect timing.
Don't forget how much the Savior loves you and knows exactly what you're going through, no matter how angry or frustrated or miserable you feel.
Don't forget the miracles. We have to actively seek them out, but they're all around us when we learn to recognize them. Even in your darkest hours, look toward the Light and pray to God to see His hand in your life and to recognize His blessings even in the midst of your trials.
Don't forget that you are a child of God. You are loved. And you are a miracle.