Today marks 100 days since my sweet mother passed away. I hadn't actually been counting the days, but I got a little spiritual nudge last night to get back to writing, and I know it was Mom reminding me that I've got a lot of work to do to help my family and others recognize the goodness that is all around us.
When I got the prompting late last night to get back to writing, I just had this impression that it had been about 100 days since my mama graduated from this life. (She was always great at remembering special dates, birthdays, and the significance of certain numbers.)
Now when I got this prompting, I thought, I haven't even been keeping track of the number of DAYS she's been gone. Are we really at 100?
Sure enough, I Googled, How many days has it been since July 14, 2022?
99 days. And as I write this post today, we're at exactly 100.
I'm not sure what the significance is of having reached 100 days since she passed. It's over three months. It's a nice, round number. It's a significant chunk of time, and I miss her terribly.
But maybe it simply means, "Hey, Britt. It's been long enough. Get back to writing!"
OK, Mom! So here I am. And I'm glad you're here too.
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one of the things I received when I was baptized at eight years old was something called the gift of the Holy Ghost (or the Holy Spirit).
This gift enables me, so long as I am striving to keep the commandments of God and honor the covenants I have made with Him, to continuously have the influence and divine guidance of the Holy Ghost, who is a member of the Godhead. His mission is to bear witness of the truth of all things, to comfort us, to warn us, to purify us to always do good, and to sanctify us to be worthy of God's presence.
I truly strive every day to be worthy of the continuous (notice, not continual) companionship of the Holy Ghost.
You know that inner dialogue you always have in your mind? Like, how you're essentially talking to yourself throughout the day through your thoughts?
Well, I know I'm hearing the promptings of the Holy Ghost in my mind when my mental dialogue literally feels interrupted with thoughts that would not otherwise normally occur to me. Or even when I feel like I'm arguing with someone in my mind! (Believe me when I say that my will and desires are often in stark contrast to what the Holy Ghost is prompting me to think and do, hence the arguing.)
And that's when I know that the Holy Ghost is communicating with me. Through those unexpected ideas and epiphanies, or sometimes as an undeniable feeling, or even as warm chills throughout my whole body.
Receiving that spiritual communication helps me recognize the goodness around me when I feel myself slipping into pessimistic thoughts. It helps me feel gratitude when I'm feeling tired and sorry for myself. It helps me forget my (mostly petty) problems and seek to make others' lives better, even if I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. And while I can always have the Holy Ghost with me, I also know that some of that spiritual communication can come from our loved ones who have passed through the veil. (Think, guardian angels.)
For example, when my Aunt Corey passed away in January, I was helping to prepare for her funeral by designing the funeral program. I had the front cover and the inside pages all done, but I was at a total loss about what to include on the back.
I've created many funeral programs before, but I just didn't know what would be best for hers: a quote? A favorite scripture? A certain picture? I wanted it to honor her—something just perfect for our grieving family.
As I sat in my computer chair, staring at the screen in a stupor of thought late one night before the funeral, I suddenly and distinctly heard Aunt Corey's voice in my head: "Family is everything, Britt. Put pictures of my family on the back of the program."
Just as simple as that. She was with me, even for just a brief moment, while I prepared that program, and I am so grateful that my spirit was keen enough to communicate with hers.
Since that experience with Aunt Corey, I've hoped and prayed for times when I could hear my mom's voice or feel her presence or just feel her close.
And last night, just before I drifted off to sleep, I heard in my mind that it's been 100 days since she had passed away—it's time to get back to writing. It was such a comforting feeling of how close she is, how helpful (and motivating) the Holy Ghost can be, and that I can call on angels like my mom and aunts and grandparents and uncles and ancestors on the other side of the veil to help me here.
These last 100 days have not been easy. I've kept myself and my family busy with school and lessons and activities and service opportunities, but it's been hard to stay positive and seek goodness around me through my grief, especially as we head into the holidays without my mom, my Aunt Corey, my Nana, my Aunt Karin, and so many loved ones that my family has lost in the last few years.
But that spiritual nudge to testify here about angels and the Holy Ghost are a reminder to me that we are never alone, even and especially through our grief and trials. We can call on angels to help us. We can have the Holy Ghost with us, and we can receive the gift of His divine guidance to always be with us, continuously testifying of the love and concern our Heavenly Parents and Savior have for us as we navigate this life.
Exactly six months ago yesterday on April 21 (another significant time stamp that I was reminded of), my Mom wrote down what is now her final testimony, and I'd like to share that here:
"I have a strong testimony that striving to live the gospel of Jesus Christ prepares us for the trials in our lives. If you already have a sweet relationship with your Father in Heaven through prayer, you know He will help you through anything. If you know the power of the Atonement and the love the Savior has for us, you know He will help you. If you know that the Holy Ghost is truly your guide, teacher, comforter, and friend, you know he will also help you.
"In September of 2019, I was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. I felt like my life had been taken away from me and replaced with a nightmare as my treatment and tests were explained to me. Of course, my family and friends began to fervently pray for me, and I quickly realized that I wasn't alone. I knew the Savior was walking beside me on this cancer path. Not only that, He had reached over and taken most of this burden off of me, and He was carrying it. I knew I needed to carry some of the burden so I could learn and grow from this experience, but the Lord was truly carrying most of this burden. My chemo treatments were easy, with few side effects, my appetite came back so that I felt better, and an amazing peace filled my heart.
"My favorite scripture has always been John 14:27: 'Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.' I have a strong testimony that this scripture is true. People would ask me how I was doing, and my answer would be, 'I'm very calm.' That's truly how I've felt. The Atonement is very real and it works. Our Savior is everything, and I can't imagine going through this trial without Him.
"When COVID hit six months after my diagnosis, I could no longer take my husband to any of my chemo treatments, doctors' appointments, or tests. I had to go everywhere alone. That's when my love for the Holy Ghost really came into play. My doctor would be giving me bad news from a CT scan, and I would hear the Spirit say, 'It'll be okay.' Seven months ago, my doctor said I probably only had six months to live, and the Spirit said, 'It's not up to him, it's up to Heavenly Father.' I know the comfort the Holy Ghost brings, and I'm so grateful for that great gift!
"I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father hears our prayers. I was driving down the freeway one day on my way to my cancer office, and I said a prayer in my car. I told Heavenly Father that I didn't know what I needed, but I wasn't happy and asked Him to bless me to feel better. Within a day of that prayer, one sweet and very in-tune friend brought over flowers and chocolates. Another friend said he felt prompted to send me an uplifting quote. My nephew sent me a text saying I had been on his mind, and he wanted to check on me. Another sweet friend called, and my chat with her was very uplifting. My sloppy, casual prayer in my car was heard and answered. I felt so much better. I know our Father in Heaven cares, loves, and listens to us!
"Last fall, I received very bad news that my cancer had spread to new places, including my pancreas. So now I had cancer in my stomach, inside and outside of my liver, at the base of my colon, in two places in my abdominal wall, my pancreas, and my lungs. Spiritually, I felt I had reached a crossroads and that my prayers needed to change. I felt that I needed to stop pleading for what I wanted and start submitting my will completely to the Lord. On October 1st, 2021, my husband and I were in the temple doing sealings, and afterwards, I wanted to go to the celestial room and pray. I wanted to tell my Heavenly Father officially in His holy house that my life, my mind, and my heart were completely His to do with as He pleased. I told Him that I was no longer going to beg for what I wanted and instead, trust in what He wanted. I know His love for me is perfect, so His plans for me are also perfect. We have experienced many, many tender mercies since that prayer. Whatever He decides to do will be okay. I will submit.
"I love this gospel. I know without a doubt that it is true and that it works for good in our lives. I'm so grateful for this knowledge that has sustained me through 61 chemo treatments and living with an unknown future. My faith is strong and my spirits are good. I will cling tightly to the rod and my love for my Savior, my Heavenly Father, and my buddy, the Holy Ghost.
"I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."
My angel mommy wanted to remind me of her testimony of the Holy Ghost this week, and she did so by letting me know that I needed to write this, even if just for myself. But I hope it helps you too!
I love that my mom always referred to the Holy Ghost as her buddy, because when I'm arguing with Him in my mind sometimes, I can always count on Him to stick with me, even if I'm not always acting on what He tells me to do or say or think about. He's our Buddy, and He will keep helping us so long as we allow Him to, just like the Savior.
So if it's been 10 days or 100 days or 1,000 days since you last prayed for angels or for spiritual guidance, it's never too late to ask. It's never been too long to rekindle that relationship with God, with Jesus, or with the Holy Ghost. You just have to ask, and They will help you. And maybe you'll get lucky and have one of your guardian angels come along with Them with a specific message just for you.
It doesn't hurt to ask. Life is just easier when you do.
I love you, Mommy.